Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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