my phone needs a breathalizer
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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