saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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