It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
