Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
