youre lurking in front of me
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
