How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
