I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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