what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
