I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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