I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
