: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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