So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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