Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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