i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
