I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
