i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
