Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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