If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
