I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
