you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize