Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i dont even know how to be here
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
