Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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