I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
