Say something about gay babies.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
