I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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