That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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