ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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