Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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