I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
