fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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