Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
