Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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