So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize