4 words: hood of his car
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
