Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
