I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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