everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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