I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize