and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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