Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
