so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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