One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
