On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
