You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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