shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
