Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
