Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Found your dick twin last night
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
