Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
