I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
