new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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