Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
