I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
