He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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