I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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