my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
