Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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