Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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