someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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