I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
