We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
